"Friends in Grief" series continues

SEARHC health educator and grief specialist Erin Matthes, of Sitka, visited Wrangell in January to host a workshop on the grieving process and how community members can support those who have experienced loss. The turnout for that workshop was very impressive, she said. Last week, at the AICS Clinic on Wood Street, she held a continuation of the "Friends in Grief" workshop. This workshop went into details about the myths surrounding grief, how to support friends and family who are grieving, and also covered the topic of how grief can affect children.

One of several myths around grief, Matthes said, is that it is in some way predictable or the same for every person. This is simply not true, she said. Grief is experienced uniquely by each individual person, with various intensities and expressions of it. One person might express their grief through lots of crying, or depression, or by being very emotional. Another person might express their grief by keeping themselves busy through work, volunteer organizations, or creating some way of remembering the person they have lost.

"There's a major misconception around grief as being a linear or staged process," Matthes said. "You know, the five stages of grief. I'm not even going to name them because I don't even want us to think about them."

Another important thing for people to understand about grief, she added, is that there is such a thing as "disenfranchised grief," or grief that may not be recognized as valid by the wider public. The loss of a pet, a coworker, or an ex may not be seen as worth the level of grief it is causing someone, she said. Grief can even be caused by things besides death, such as an elderly family member with dementia, or a person discovering they are infertile.

Supporting those who are grieving is very important, Matthes said. The main thing to remember is that it should not be the goal of someone in a support role to bring closure for the one grieving. Grief is not something that can be fixed, she said, it is a state of being.

"When you are in the role of a supporter, that's what I'm thinking about mostly, is to talk about healing. 'When you heal from this,' or 'When this is all over,' that kind of thing," she said. "I think if someone who is grieving identifies that they are on a journey or a healing process, then that's their perspective, but I think it's important to not apply that to someone."

To support somebody who is grieving, Matthes said that there are four basic things to do: Be yourself, be open, be quiet, and be there.

Being yourself means to try to avoid platitudes or cliches when speaking with the grieving person, or to treat them like they are damaged goods. It also means to allow yourself to mess up or say the wrong thing from time to time. Grief is messy, Matthes said, the important thing is to keep trying.

Being quiet means to listen to the person grieving more than you speak. Avoid talking about things like the future, or telling them that things will brighten up one day. Time does not heal all wounds, Matthes said, those grieving can only adapt to their losses.

Being open means, simply, to not judge how somebody is grieving. Everybody responds to loss differently, do not

compare how one person grieves to how another person grieves. It is also a good idea to share positive memories of the deceased, or tell fun stories about them. Matthes said

it is important to not be afraid to bring them up or remind the grieving person that

their loved one is gone, because that is probably the only thing on their mind in that point in time.

Lastly, being there is one of the more practical ways to support a grieving person. Offer to take over some of the chores for them: Walk their dog, check their mail, pick up kids from school or mow the lawn are examples. Another good way to help someone in their grief is to cook them food or to drop off a bag of household necessities.

The second half of the workshop was dedicated to grief and how it can affect children. This part of the workshop was opened by Wrangell resident Heather Miethe, who read a story she wrote about the death of her father when she was a child. This story, "Revelations and Realizations," was published in "Tidal Echoes" in 2015.

"To see and feel a body free of any life, a body that had once sat next to you at the dinner table, or had watched you from the window perform perfect cartwheels on a thick summer lawn, is unexplainably strange at two-years-old," Miethe read. "To watch as this body lies in a box and see it lay so still, no hint of the stress and toil so ever present from before, and have people gather weeping to observe it, is so unreal and futile."

How a child understands death and experiences grief depends heavily on their age, Matthes said. From the ages of two to four-years-old, children do not fully grasp that death is permanent and universal. Even from the ages of five to eight-years-old, they will still think that death is reversible in some way. At this age, however, they may also feel an incorrect sense of responsibility for causing the death and say things like, "It's my fault, I was mad and wished they'd die." Common responses to grief at these early ages are asking repetitive questions about the deceased and why or how they died, concerns about safety for themselves or others around them, and behavior regression.

From the ages of eight to twelve-years old, most children will understand that death is permanent, and may begin to think about how the loss of a loved one will affect them long-term. They may express grief by acting out, experiencing anxiety or concern for their safety, having difficulty concentrating, or by having physical complaints such as headaches or body pain.

Children between the ages of 13 and 18-years-old are mentally able to understand concepts about life and death. At this age, many children struggle with concepts such as their identity and who they want to be when they grow up. Common responses to grief amongst this age group are to withdraw from family or other support networks, an increase in risk taking, loss of concentration, or difficulty sleeping.

Matthes pointed out that, again, children's responses to grief can be as unique and varied as any adult's. However, there are some common ways that people can be there to support grieving children. For younger children, it is important to explain death concretely and honestly, and to avoid euphemisms for death, as this might give kids the wrong impression on how permanent death is. It is also important to nurture them, provide opportunities to let them play and take their mind off things, and to be prepared for repetitive questions. For older kids, it is important to reassure them of safety and security, maintain routines as much as possible, provide support systems or outlets to express emotion, and to above all, be patient.

Matthes said in an email that she will be returning to Wrangell in July, to provide workshops on the topics of suicide loss and prevention. She can be reached at (907) 966-8720 or at ematthes@searhc.org.