They love their phones far too much

I promise, this will be the first and only column I write that makes fun of how people behave in Washington, D.C.

Well, maybe I’ll write another one someday if I see something that is so silly it’s worth sharing with readers. OK, I guess then it’s pretty likely there will be another, but I absolutely, positively promise this will be the last one that laughs at people and their addiction to so-called smartphones.

I don’t know why we call them smartphones when they make people act so dumb.

I arrived in Washington, D.C., last week to start my new job as a staffer for Alaska’s member of the U.S. House, Rep. Mary Peltola. As I got off the plane and walked through the airport terminal, I remembered the moment when I arrived here 15 years ago to start work in the Alaska governor’s office in Washington.

I had stepped into the airport restroom and was startled, no, actually amazed, to see some guy standing at the urinal, with one hand steadying his aim and the other hand holding a phone to his ear, carrying on a conversation while he carried on his other business.

I thought, maybe this isn’t how people really behave here. Maybe this guy was a fluke of nature as he was answering nature’s call.

Later, in a meeting with state officials, I related my airport restroom story. An Alaska department commissioner quickly said, “Oh, I do that all the time. In fact,” he said, looking across the table at a female state official, “I’ve done that on calls with you.”

She said she didn’t want to know any more and would try to get the bathroom image out of her head.

I relate this story as a build-up to what I saw in my first week on the new job, walking the halls of the U.S. House office buildings. No, no one standing at the urinal while on a phone call, but it seemed everyone in the halls, on the stairs and escalators, heading into the food court, had a phone to their ear, or bud things in their ears, or thumbs frantically texting. At least it seemed a frantic blur to me.

I used to worry about drivers on the phone, distracted as they had their mind somewhere else. But now, I can see I should be more worried about masses of people walking around in oblivion, texting on the phone, staring at the screen, thumbing away at the keys, unaware or unconcerned that they are about to run over a pedestrian.

All the while holding hot coffee in their other hand.

At least new cars have radar or some other system that beeps and flashes when the driver is about to drift into another lane or pull too close to the car ahead. Congressional staffers have no electronic proximity detection system that I can see, no side mirrors, no video cameras feeding images into their phone as they walk.

They just walk and talk and text at the same time, as if everyone else is supposed to see the hazard and get out of the way. I worry about those cups of hot coffee.

My advice: Don’t stand next to a guy talking on his phone at the urinal — he may be distracted and miss. And steer away from people who walk and text, especially the ones carrying coffee. Either way, you could get wet.